Frozen Dreams

It is hard for me to believe that Kaia has only been here 6 weeks.  I truly can not remember a time before she got here.  It always bothers me when people say that a baby will change your life.  I don’t 100% agree with this statement.  In my case, Kaia has truly enhanced my life, but I wouldn’t say she has changed it completely. My life was just fine without a child, but I always knew that something more was just waiting to happen.  My entire life I have dreamed these moments that are now in existence.  My dreams just remained frozen until they could be realized by her.  I look at her an almost melt when I see her smile.  It is something that I could have never imagined, but have always dreamed about.   

In the short six weeks that she has been here, I have been on an emotional high.  The depth of my love has been expanded to a whole new level.  Kaia has awoken feelings and emotions I never knew I had.  More than ever before, I have a greater love for God and deeper understanding for my parents.

 Kaia ‘s birth has shown me the miracle of life.  It is truly a humbling experience when you are present at the first breath of a new life.  Somewhere between Adam and Eve and the big bang is the truth.  That simple truth is that God Loves us and made us in his image.  He has given us the ability to create life too, and no greater gift can be given.  Understanding the full spectrum of this gift gives me a deeper perspective of Gods love for us.  Just as I get all misty eyed over every little thing Kaia does, I imagine the heavens rejoice every time a lost soul finds its way home.  The joy I get when Kaia smiles at me is the same Joy God must feel when we turn our eyes upon him as well…

 I now also understand my parents pride and joy in seeing all of their children excel.  Understanding the relationship between my earthly parents strengthens my relationship with my spiritual one.  I don’t know that I would have completely understood these feelings unless Kaia was here.  Having a child opens parts of your psyche that can not be measured by cognitive test.  My mother and father have always shown me “unconditional love” beyond what I could comprehend at the time.   As I said, these feelings have always existed inside me, but were just frozen in my dreams.  As I picked up my mother from the airport the other night, I now completely understood the twinkle in her eye she has when she looks at me…  I unfroze her dreams too…

Rock Chalk Baby

I have recently received gifts from my extended family in Kansas.  It is something that I never expected, but am so thankful for to have received.  Although these outfits have not brought us any luck on game days, it is a joy to watch a Jayhawk game with my daughter and I decked out in KU gear!  The one thing these outfits have brought to our household is love.  I am almost ashamed to admit that I am terrible in keeping in contact.  I have met some of the most amazing people in my life.  My friends are people that I hold in very high esteem, yet it has never dawned on me to make sure I say “happy birthday” or more importantly… “Congratulations” on the birth of their brand new child.  Having it all now come full circle is an awakening on the importance correspondence.  Opening these packages brought tears to my eyes.  Not for the gifts, (even though they were very cool), the thoughtfulness and love in each gift made me realize how blessed I have been.  Although they have never met Kaia, the love they had for me compelled them to send a gift for her…  wow…  I felt pretty darn special at that moment… and pretty dumb too…

I cant promise that I wont make this mistake again in the future, but I hope  to have an opportunity to show my friends that they mean as much to me as I do to them.

A Smile to light up the world!!

This morning I woke up early and watched some Sportscenter.  After a little while I walked into the bedroom to see Kaia lying next to Mandi in bed.  They were both awake and just lounging on a Sunday morning.  Kaia was loving on her binky.  I walked over to kiss her mother and give her a kiss too.  As I leaned in for the kiss, she spit out her binky and began to smile….  At me, she smiled.  I was stopped dead in my tracks and my jaw dropped.  

 It is hard to explain the joy that rushed into my heart, but for the past 30 days I have been in awe of this little child.  Today that awe was taken to a whole new level.  I couldn’t imagine that I could ask for a better present on her 1 month birthday.  Mandi laughed at my reaction until she saw how moved I was.  Yes, it is one of a million smiles she will make in her life, but it was the 1^st smile given to me.  She can’t speak, she can’t write a letter, she can’t read these words that I write to her, but today she sent me a message that I will remember for the rest of my life.  She told me in her own special way…. I love you Daddy…            

Cutting Ties

It was never my plan to cut the umbilical cord.  I didn’t think I could stomach it.  I am not the squeamish type, but I am not a fan of blood either.  When the moment came though, I couldn’t be more honored than to cut the cord that brought our daughter to life.  It was more than symbolic, it was a moment that I will cherish for the rest of my time here on earth.

After the cord was cut, the nurses crimped the end and put on a blue dye on it to advance the healing process.  Over the past 3 weeks Mandi and I have been in charge of a daily cleaning ritual with alcohol wipes every time we change her.  It has been a subtle reminder of the birthing process and how very young Kaia is even though she has been here for what seems to be my entire life.

Yesterday  Kaia lost her blue thingy. (I don’t know the medical term, so for the purpose of this entry, a “blue thingy” will suffice.)  Just as symbolic of cutting the cord was for me, this was a special moment as it was another step in her development.  Already over 9lbs, her growth in the past couple weeks has been rapid.  She is already starting to show signs of recognition for her mother and I.  She is becoming more and more vocal each day, and is starting to use her muscles to look around when held.

A small one, but a “baby” step in the right direction for Kaia.  I couldn’t be a prouder daddy of my little girl. I look at her growing rapidly and wonder if this feeling of euphoria will ever end?  Even in my disappointments and time of anger, I can’t imagine a time that my love for her will cease to exist.  Unlike the umbilical cord, this is a bond that will never be broken.

I just hope it’s an innie and not an outey!!

Staring Contest

It is hard for me not to stare.  As a child growing up you are always taught not to stare at people as it is considered rude.  Funny, telling someone not to do something you are doing yourself is always the best policy for a parent.  It is in our nature to stare or admire visual items that catch our attention, both good and bad.   It is that feeling you get when you are walking down a street and a Ferrari simmers by, your jaw hits the ground as you admire the craftsmanship of one of the finest built automobiles in the world.  It’s okay to stare here. It is also that feeling you get when you see a parent discipline a child too harshly in the line at Wal Mart.  This brings the other emotion and causes you to stare just long enough not to step into action.  It’s not good to stare here.  

From the very first moments of Kaia’s birth, it’s been hard for me not to stare.  I am biased.  I am her father and will always think she is the most beautiful girl in the world, but since her birth, I have found myself starting at her in sheer awe.  Whether it was through the glass of the nursery, or standing over her cradle at night, I find myself staring at this little girl with inability to look away.  From the straight black hair on her head (and one little blond streak), to her perfectly formed toes, there is not an millimeter of this child that I have not admired.  Her lips are ones that would make Angelina Jolie jealous, and she is only 20 days old. (Better get a gun license)  She has features that I can only imagine will break many hearts in her lifetime, I just hope it’s not mine.  I may not be able to handle that fall from Grace.

I am amazed by those people who do not believe in God.  Whether you believe the Judeo – Christian God, or Ganesha from Eastern practices, the God figure is central to our belief structure.  At the heart of my personal faith I look at the creation story as more of an allegory than a play by play story.  The most crucial passage is the section in Genesis where god decides to make Adam.  The conversation between “God” is such an enlightening look at this deity.  The decision to create man in “our” image is more than that of just a physical approach; it is the ability to create something that can also create.  This make us unique amongst all living creatures.  Yes we are made in God’s image in so many ways.  On the seventh day God rested to take stock of all that he had made.  As Adam began to name all the trees in the Garden, I am sure God took a few moments to stare and admire his greatest passion of all of his creations.

When Kaia made her way into this world, that ability to create really hit home with me.  I was taken back in amazement of this creation.  Perfect in every aspect, yet fragile and dependant upon love.  ( Much like mankind.)  It amazed me beyond tears as I bathed in the radiance of the moment.  I could only imagine the moment that God breathed that first breath into Adam, just as Kaia took that first breath, you cant help but stare.

Maybe I will nickname her “Enzo”.